Angela Breidenbach, Mrs. Montana 2009, attended the Women's Justice Benefit Luncheon last month and felt inspired to share her story with other YWCA supporters and clients.

“You're just... (fill in the blank here.)”

For me, I heard words like “frigid” and “selfish.” Words that weren't true, but hurt me so badly because they came from the mouth of the person I'd married. Someone who was supposed to love me and believe in me. This man accused me of so many things daily—starting one week into our marriage—that my fragile self-esteem cracked. I began to hate myself. I never smiled, never wanted to make eye contact with anyone because if I did, I'd be accused of flirting or worse. He had me convinced that I talked in my sleep. He'd use names of men I worked with to give his claims validity and claim he needed to know the truth. (Years later, I've never been known to talk in my sleep, nor did I do so as a child.)

I avoided people because if I connected with them, it was too painful to deal with the results at home. If friends came over, he stayed right there, controlling the conversation. So they stopped coming. Isolated and alone, I wondered how long before I could just give up and die. This was ironic because many times he said how he'd die without me after an argument, and threatened to commit suicide if I left. I'd even moved my family away from a big city where I had a great job as a supervisor for an airline because of his jealousy. I thrived in that fast-paced environment, but the more I thrived at work, the worse it got at home. His emotional outbursts escalated, though I tried hard not to let my children see.

After cashing in my retirement, starting a new job in a new city, and resettling my family, I was sure things would be better. I didn't have men around me every day at work, so I thought he would no longer have a reason to be jealous. But after a very short time, it started all over again. I had to face the fact that no matter what I did to change situations, to prove my loyalty or improve the challenging factors, I couldn't control his behavior or his jealousy. His behavior was not appropriate and would never be regardless of what I did or didn't do.

I was too scared to actually go in for help at the YWCA because, I thought, well, he'd never hit me so I didn't qualify. He'd woken me up screaming at me, shaking me (because I’d supposedly talked in my sleep.) While I slept, he'd thrown me on the floor and another time kicked me until I fell out of bed (he supposedly had a bad dream.) He read my journal and ripped up and destroyed pages from it and from old high school yearbooks. He disparaged everything I'd written in my attempts at sweet romances for publication. No privacy allowed. No private thoughts and don't even try to talk to a friend. But he'd never hit me, so everyone knows that I wasn't abused. Right?

Then why was I constantly angry and depressed? Why did I hide things to protect myself and my kids? Why was I called in on four different jobs and threatened to be fired if he didn't stop calling or coming to the office? Why did I contemplate suicide?

I'd been working for a radio station in Missoula when I was called into the sales manager's office, job number four. She gave me an ultimatum. One I'd heard before. Either stop his phone calls or I'd lose my job because eight to 12 calls a day was distracting and costing money for the station to pay the receptionist to keep transferring. I was losing sales time by being on the phone so much for personal matters. I couldn't work an hour without a check-in phone call from him. And I couldn't stop him either. I began to have panic attacks. Trust me, this was not something I wanted anyone to know about back then.

I supported my family. I had four children to feed. Something had to give. I drove over to the YWCA and walked into the entry. That's as far as I got. I froze. What was I doing here? I wasn't abused, was I? Thankfully the entryway was filled with brochures. I picked up a few and then spotted a tool. Something that would help me. I found the “Power and Control Wheel.” I stared at it. I never even heard of power and control issues before. I finally understood what I was dealing with and that I had to get help.

I finally spoke to an advocate at the YWCA, who encouraged me to seek counseling. My counselor helped me recognize why I minimized his behavior. I began to see how I needed to take control of my life by making healthy choices. Six months later, I filed for divorce. No, it wasn't easy. No, I don't believe divorce is always the answer. In my case, it was the choice that saved my life. I can tell you today that I do not believe I'd still be here if I'd stayed in that relationship. I was getting very close to justifying the wrong kind of escape. But now 13 years later, I'm happy to be me. I'm becoming the woman God made me to be and pursuing my dream of writing, a dream I'd given up on all those years ago when I was afraid to write. I love life, writing, and helping others! Personal growth gave me a future and a hope.

Life is never simple and easy. But it is your life—the only one you have to discover the gifts and talents that God placed in your DNA before you were born. If you are in a relationship that is not safe for you, please consider looking at some eye-opening material. You aren't crazy, stupid, worthless, frigid, selfish, or any other accusation thrown out to hurt you. You are a beautiful woman who has the right to blossom into who God made you to be. Without the “Power and Control Wheel,” I wouldn't have recognized what was happening to me. Thank you, YWCA Missoula, for printing something this woman needed to provide education on relationships.

Because of the YWCA's education, I now have a career in the media. I love it and am thriving again. I have the deepest hope for that same sense of blossoming for you.

Am I just selfish, stupid, etc.? I'm just happy to be me and that's a huge leap from when I wasn't. I have hopes and dreams again. Dreams that no man has the right to squash and hopes that make the future worth living for every day. God bless.

Click here for help figuring out if you're in an abusive relationship. You can also call the YWCA's crisis line, 24/7, at 406.542.1944.